Jokes!

Five Rules To Remember In Life

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Pointy

Good Ole Boys

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years."

He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!"

Pointy

The Irony

Isn't it ironic that Dick Clark dies in the year we will not have a New Year's Eve?... Well played, Mayans!!


Pointy (On Vacation) Is it 2013 yet?

Subject: Wales or Scotland
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few. I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...


Pointy

Faith And Beliefs

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


Pointy

Shortest College Paper

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were simple. The short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion

(2) Sexuality

(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?"


Pointy

Things Are Never As Bad As It Seems

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy, my balls itch.'

Pointy (Ouch!)

More Irony

It just occurred to me that the Secret Service scandal was only discovered after a disagreement regarding how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00 dollars. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington trying to cut spending gets fired???


Pointy

Irish Wedding

At the wedding reception, someone yelled, "Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death...

Pointy

BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie the SHIT."


Pointy