HOW TO START A FIGHT: One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' >> Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' >> 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's >> Not Unusual.' Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to >> Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning .' 'I don't >> believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy. >> An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were >> nothing to look at either. >> Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. >> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I >> couldn't find any. >> Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, >> which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate >> very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he >> suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, >> it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Q. . If an older women who chases young men is a cougar,wha do you call a older man who chases young men ? A. . . a Nittany Lion.
1. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Wife: My breasts are too small. How do I increase their size? husband: Rub toilet paper between them everyday. Wife: Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger? Husband (Without missing a beat): Worked for your butt, didn’t it?
A Fishing Story At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believewhat had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,? Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown'... Pointy
