Drunk
02-04-2008, 11:51 AM
Crown them now: Patriots can't lose
January 14, 2008
BY JAY MARIOTTI Sun-Times Columnist
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. -- I realize 63 television ads have been sold at $2.7 million a pop. I realize the post-nasal-drip crooner himself, Tom Petty, has been lined up at halftime. I realize a stadium in the Arizona desert, built to resemble ``a barrel cactus with a coiled rattlesnake around it,'' is ready to roll out its retractable roof and movable grass field. I realize you have parties to attend on the first Sunday of February.
Yet if you're expecting a Super Bowl that evening, please be aware that the New England Patriots already have won their fourth Vince Lombardi trophy in seven years. They clinched it Sunday, while sitting around their TV sets, watching the only team that possibly could have beaten them, the Indianapolis Colts, lose at home to the San Diego Chargers. I hate to sound like the buffoonish Jerry Jones, who was so certain his Dallas Cowboys would win that he gave each player two tickets to next weekend's NFC title game -- tickets that won't be honored in Green Bay when the Packers host, um, the New York Giants. But the Patriots aren't the Cowboys.
»They're worthy of my guarantee. And anyone pondering a Chargers upset should consider this issue: How will they compete against the most explosive, efficient offense in NFL history when their three most vital offensive players -- LaDainian Tomlinson, Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates -- are limping on fragile knees and toes? Rivers, who is quite the trash-talker and rabble-rouser for someone who hasn't done much in the NFL, talks boldly about the assignment. ``Seventeen have tried and it hasn't happened," he said of the perfect Patriots. ``We think it can happen."
Oh, really? Monkeys can fly, too, with the right aerodynamics. Back in September, when armed with a full quota of weapons, San Diego was ripped 38-14 by the Patriots. Might this be the first 70-point postseason performance since Bears 73, Redskins 0 in 1940? How about doubling the 38? ``A lot has happened since then,'' said Patriots coach Bill Belichick, aka The Gray Hoodie, who could make a Pop Warner foe sound formidable. ``We'll definitely start all over on the preparations. It's like it's a new team.''
All right, 60-0.
It would have been fun watching the Patriots earn their perfection. Turns out the AFC also-rans were too busy beating each other up. Reserve quarterback Billy Volek and would-be future Bear Michael (The Burner) Turner were able to finish the Colts, who may have been distracted by talk of coach Tony Dungy's possible departure, but the Chargers have no better chance in Gillette Stadium than Rosie O'Donnell has of winning a beauty contest in a thong. You can believe in the Brett Favre action-hero flick if you'd like, but Green Bay isn't beating the Patriots, either, even if the Packers import the Lambeau snow. And if the Giants gave the Patriots a scare in the final regular-season game, explain how the wrong Manning -- Eli survives, Peyton goes home? -- possibly can beat Brady in a Super Bowl. I'd have preferred watching the drama of Tony Romo and the Cowboys. Hell, I'd have preferred a fight between Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Simpson, who just might dump Romeo Romo after he came unglued in the second half and opened himself to more criticism about his Cabo-with-Jessica bye week.
``I'll take the blame. I'll take the criticism,'' Romo said after the 21-17 loss to the Giants. ``I don't live with regrets. At the end of the day, I'm content in my own skin.''
Should he have gone to Mexico? ``I thought I was making a good decision,'' said Romo, the small-town kid from Burlington, Wis., not far from Lake Geneva or, for that matter, Halas Hall. ``It wasn't going to Vegas and drinking for two or three days. I was just getting away.''
How traumatic was this loss? Was that sobbing we heard from Terrell Owens, who didn't catch a ball in the second half and lashed at the media for picking on Romo? ``If you do that, it's really unfair,'' said T.O., breaking down and wiping tears. ``That's my teammate. That's my quarterabck. And if you guys do that, that's not fair to him. We lost as a team.''
The Patriots have no such concerns. They've had their share of distractions, from Spygate to Brady's love life and fatherhood, but Belichick exterminates all obstacles. Know how comfortably numb life has become on Planet Perfection? Brady, who was two dropped passes from being the perfect quarterback Saturday night, was asked about Zen by a Japanese TV producer after the 31-20 victory over Jacksonville. ``You never seem flustered no matter the situation,'' the guy said, ``and from our Japanese point of view, it looks very Zen of you.''
``I'm all Zen. I'm all Zen,'' said Brady, straining not to burst out laughing. ``I hope I'm Zen for another week. That would be a great feeling.''
Whether it's Zen or, more likely, the wrath of The Gray Hoodie, the Patriots don't act and talk like a perfect bunch. They're keenly aware that their extraordinary winning streak and array of league records would morph into an all-time crash job if they lose. There's also the ubiquitous presence of Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who soon will have company in the perfection ranks but won't stop applying pressure until the Patriots officially join them. ``Their entire season rests on what happens the next few weeks," Shula told reporters. ``16-1, 17-1, 18-1 is no good if that loss is the one that keeps you out of the Super Bowl.''
Beyond a mass kidnapping, nothing will stop the Patriots from their destiny. They've overcome close calls with great escapes, and now, just two wins short of the greatest season in American team sports since the Bulls' 72-10 title year, no opponent in this solar system will beat them. What should bother the Chargers is that Jacksonville pieced together an impressive game plan, moved the ball throughout the first half, gave the Patriots difficulty for three quarters, took Randy Moss out of the game -- and still were systematically worn down.
``I feel like the energy, the effort, the plan that we put together was good,'' Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio said. ``We went toe to toe for a while with these guys. But we were just not quite good enough to match them.''
``I thought we played them very tough,'' linebacker Daryl Smith said, ``and they still hung 31 on us. I don't know what more you can do.''
Crown them. We know exactly who the Patriots are: the perfect football team.
January 14, 2008
BY JAY MARIOTTI Sun-Times Columnist
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. -- I realize 63 television ads have been sold at $2.7 million a pop. I realize the post-nasal-drip crooner himself, Tom Petty, has been lined up at halftime. I realize a stadium in the Arizona desert, built to resemble ``a barrel cactus with a coiled rattlesnake around it,'' is ready to roll out its retractable roof and movable grass field. I realize you have parties to attend on the first Sunday of February.
Yet if you're expecting a Super Bowl that evening, please be aware that the New England Patriots already have won their fourth Vince Lombardi trophy in seven years. They clinched it Sunday, while sitting around their TV sets, watching the only team that possibly could have beaten them, the Indianapolis Colts, lose at home to the San Diego Chargers. I hate to sound like the buffoonish Jerry Jones, who was so certain his Dallas Cowboys would win that he gave each player two tickets to next weekend's NFC title game -- tickets that won't be honored in Green Bay when the Packers host, um, the New York Giants. But the Patriots aren't the Cowboys.
»They're worthy of my guarantee. And anyone pondering a Chargers upset should consider this issue: How will they compete against the most explosive, efficient offense in NFL history when their three most vital offensive players -- LaDainian Tomlinson, Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates -- are limping on fragile knees and toes? Rivers, who is quite the trash-talker and rabble-rouser for someone who hasn't done much in the NFL, talks boldly about the assignment. ``Seventeen have tried and it hasn't happened," he said of the perfect Patriots. ``We think it can happen."
Oh, really? Monkeys can fly, too, with the right aerodynamics. Back in September, when armed with a full quota of weapons, San Diego was ripped 38-14 by the Patriots. Might this be the first 70-point postseason performance since Bears 73, Redskins 0 in 1940? How about doubling the 38? ``A lot has happened since then,'' said Patriots coach Bill Belichick, aka The Gray Hoodie, who could make a Pop Warner foe sound formidable. ``We'll definitely start all over on the preparations. It's like it's a new team.''
All right, 60-0.
It would have been fun watching the Patriots earn their perfection. Turns out the AFC also-rans were too busy beating each other up. Reserve quarterback Billy Volek and would-be future Bear Michael (The Burner) Turner were able to finish the Colts, who may have been distracted by talk of coach Tony Dungy's possible departure, but the Chargers have no better chance in Gillette Stadium than Rosie O'Donnell has of winning a beauty contest in a thong. You can believe in the Brett Favre action-hero flick if you'd like, but Green Bay isn't beating the Patriots, either, even if the Packers import the Lambeau snow. And if the Giants gave the Patriots a scare in the final regular-season game, explain how the wrong Manning -- Eli survives, Peyton goes home? -- possibly can beat Brady in a Super Bowl. I'd have preferred watching the drama of Tony Romo and the Cowboys. Hell, I'd have preferred a fight between Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Simpson, who just might dump Romeo Romo after he came unglued in the second half and opened himself to more criticism about his Cabo-with-Jessica bye week.
``I'll take the blame. I'll take the criticism,'' Romo said after the 21-17 loss to the Giants. ``I don't live with regrets. At the end of the day, I'm content in my own skin.''
Should he have gone to Mexico? ``I thought I was making a good decision,'' said Romo, the small-town kid from Burlington, Wis., not far from Lake Geneva or, for that matter, Halas Hall. ``It wasn't going to Vegas and drinking for two or three days. I was just getting away.''
How traumatic was this loss? Was that sobbing we heard from Terrell Owens, who didn't catch a ball in the second half and lashed at the media for picking on Romo? ``If you do that, it's really unfair,'' said T.O., breaking down and wiping tears. ``That's my teammate. That's my quarterabck. And if you guys do that, that's not fair to him. We lost as a team.''
The Patriots have no such concerns. They've had their share of distractions, from Spygate to Brady's love life and fatherhood, but Belichick exterminates all obstacles. Know how comfortably numb life has become on Planet Perfection? Brady, who was two dropped passes from being the perfect quarterback Saturday night, was asked about Zen by a Japanese TV producer after the 31-20 victory over Jacksonville. ``You never seem flustered no matter the situation,'' the guy said, ``and from our Japanese point of view, it looks very Zen of you.''
``I'm all Zen. I'm all Zen,'' said Brady, straining not to burst out laughing. ``I hope I'm Zen for another week. That would be a great feeling.''
Whether it's Zen or, more likely, the wrath of The Gray Hoodie, the Patriots don't act and talk like a perfect bunch. They're keenly aware that their extraordinary winning streak and array of league records would morph into an all-time crash job if they lose. There's also the ubiquitous presence of Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who soon will have company in the perfection ranks but won't stop applying pressure until the Patriots officially join them. ``Their entire season rests on what happens the next few weeks," Shula told reporters. ``16-1, 17-1, 18-1 is no good if that loss is the one that keeps you out of the Super Bowl.''
Beyond a mass kidnapping, nothing will stop the Patriots from their destiny. They've overcome close calls with great escapes, and now, just two wins short of the greatest season in American team sports since the Bulls' 72-10 title year, no opponent in this solar system will beat them. What should bother the Chargers is that Jacksonville pieced together an impressive game plan, moved the ball throughout the first half, gave the Patriots difficulty for three quarters, took Randy Moss out of the game -- and still were systematically worn down.
``I feel like the energy, the effort, the plan that we put together was good,'' Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio said. ``We went toe to toe for a while with these guys. But we were just not quite good enough to match them.''
``I thought we played them very tough,'' linebacker Daryl Smith said, ``and they still hung 31 on us. I don't know what more you can do.''
Crown them. We know exactly who the Patriots are: the perfect football team.